Sometimes I wonder,
*** *** **** **********?
What I ever heard is how bad or how not good I am?
*** ** *** **** ***** ** **?
My dreams, and what I want to do?

Sudah lama sejak aku melayari laman web ini,
Aku ingatkan aku tak perlukan tempat ini lagi,
Tempat di mana aku merungut,
Meluahkan hati isiku,
Namun,
Setiap hari yang berlalu,
Keinginanku untuk kembali semakin kuat,
Kembali ke tempat asalku,
Dimana aku tak berpunya kepada sesiapa,
Dimana aku tak perlu bertanggugjawab kepada sesiapa,
Dimana aku tak perlu berfikr jauh,
Untuk meluahkan hati isiku,

Fikiranku bercelaru,
Hatiku tak pernah tenang,
Seperti dihayun ombak tak berhenti henti,
Hatiku semakin berat,
Sehingga aku ingin melarikan diri saja,

Namun, ada siapa yang faham?
Faham pasal kisah sedihku,
Faham pasal perasaanku,
Faham pasal fikiranku,

Kini, aku rasakan,
Aku hidup demi orang lain,
Bukan demi aku,
Tekanan yang aku alami,
Sudah melangkaui batasan diriku,

Kawanku inginku berperang,
Berperang untuk apa yang milikku,
Tapi, fahamkah mereka dalam situasi ini?
Mereka hanya ingin aku beperang,
Tapi, pernahkah mereka fikir dengan teliti,
Perasaanku? Akibatnya?
Mereka hanya tanya,
"Kamu takut kalah ya?"
Aku mengaku yang kutakut kalah,
Apa yang aku usahakan,
Hilang begitu saja,
Pernahkah mereka berfikir di pendirianku?
Mereka patut faham personalitiku,
Mereka patut fikir sebagai seluruhnya,
Mana yang lebih baik,
Bukannya semua untuk diri sendiri

Setiap waktu, aku berfikir tentang dia,
Apa yang kulakukan untuk dia juga,
Namun, situasi begitu tetap akan berlaku,
Situasi dimana aku tak boleh lagi menjadi diriku,
Situasi dimana aku sudah terikat ketat,
Situasi dimana aku tak tahu lagi apa yang boleh ku lakukan lagi,
Walau apapun yang ku buat,
Semuanya seperti tidak betul,
Segalanya seperti berjalan di hala yang salah,
Aku ada masalahku juga,
Aku ada fikiranku juga,
Aku ada keinginanku juga,
Namun, aku melepaskan segalanya untuk dia,
Bila dia mula .... di mana aku ingin dia gembira,
Tapi, perbuatanku begitu seperti salah juga,
Aku tidak lagi diriku.....

Hatiku berat,
Bolehkah aku melepaskan segalanya?
Bolehkah aku menjadi diriku kembali,
Bolehkan aku mecari rohku semula,

Apa yang aku ingin mahu,
Mudah saja,
Aku INGIN,
Menjalani hidupku dengan perasaan gembira tanpa kerisauan, tanpa kebuntuan, tanpa kesedihan,
Bolehkah ini dicapai?

AKU TAK TAHU

In Midst Of Reading Week

well, now is around 3.11 am in the morning,
i am supposed to sleep early as i am sick
or i am supposed to study as i am having final now
yet what i am doing now
nothing as i do not have the feeling to do anything for now
i just want to lay back....
enjoying every moment of now...
the silent in the morning...

suddenly, i have a thought in mind
what i am doing now, as is where am i heading to in my future?
being honest, i do not...
basically, i am on the day by day basic..
doing what is necessary and get through everyday happily (try to do so)
is this good or not?

i am unhappy about certain stuffs
seems to me things like to happen at the wrong time
i did not the co-operation that i wanted either from
OSA for In-Fusion or
my committee member for society
well, guess is what I have to go through...
settling one by one is what i am doing

i just realize i have a phobia
the surrounding community of mine
have a bad habit
they tend to tease and create rumors for you
being honest, i am tired of this after going through this for about 3 semesters
yet, it would not stop
till i have to distance myself from everyone...who tend to be links with me
am i right in doing so?
i do not know
guess i am just avoiding the reality for now
i am just phobia with any rumors going around me

well, i must admit
i feel tired with everything surrounding me
my study, my cca, my life
i wish for a simple life now
but i know i can not have that
just have to bear through it
what else i could do, right...
guess it is time for me to sleep...
heavily not feeling well now, flu and cold...
damn you, you better go away tomorrow

Thoughts

Something strikes my heart today,
It makes me think,
Am I alone after all?
A person who deemed to have a large group of friends feel lonely?
Isn't that a laughter to other people,
But indeed this is what I feel,
That feeling arise again similar to what I felt last semester,
I no longer can enjoy my life here,
It seems the road here become harder to walk,
I no longer know which group I belong to?
I guess this consequences of being too busy,
And consequences of mixing with variety group of people,
I guess this is the road are supposed to be walked by me,
Meant for Capricorns, like me
Who do not know what to do,
If compare to last semester,
I wonder I am becoming stronger or more positive?
Or I am becoming the opposite?




Below, is something I have wrote since last semester

Capricorn

Fake expression is the art of Capricorn
Who born in the month of January
This is indeed truth
Happy on the outside but sad in the heart
Smile happily as nothing happened
But in fact, they just have so many things in their heart
Somehow, this is their attitude and fate
They are destined to behave this way
They have no choice but keep moving on
Even though with a heavy burden
Even though with unhappy feeling
Even though with the feeling of giving up
Even though they are suffering in the night alone
When no one know about it
This is meant to be that way

Do not worry for Capricorn
Who born in the month of January
They are strong
Even though sometimes they are weak inside
They realize the fact of life
No matter how hard it is
How painful it is
How lonely they are
They will still walk through the path of life
No one really understand them
As they like to kept things in their heart
They do not like to share
As they prefer no one know about it
What is the use of people knowing it?
They can’t help
Is always back to own self
To manage what inside of our heart
To face the evil and sadness in our heart
This is indeed the characteristics of Capricorn
Who born in the month of January

These MVs potray a different mindset of life. I wonder which I belong to..
I guess maybe I belong to second..

Back

Here I am,
Back again to this small space where I write my own feeling,
Is this the correct decision?
I would never know,
Only time will tell me........

I did nothing much for today,
Slacking all the way as I have a fever which actually deter me from doing anything useful,
Been through a painful road lately,
Without anyone really noticing except one,
It makes me think,
Is what I am doing so far worth it ?
Or am I doing the things I always wanted ?
I do not know the answer,
As I just know I need to move no matter what happen,
But is this what I want ?
Just move forward no matter what happen,
Enduring all the pain within me,
I do not know the answer,
Maybe I should be away to somewhere peaceful, for me to think properly again

Distance between me and friend,
Getting further day by day,
The friendship is diminishing slowly,
Well, it is my fault after all,
Is me who is too busy to be with them,

So, I would welcome myself back here...to be share my feeling again with you all..
However, I hope you all, reader would just keep what you have read in my blog within your heart.
That is what I hope my friend can do.
Thanks